My emotions are rushing.

They’re coming at me like a tidal wave.

I don’t know about other birth workers, but whenever I witness a hard birth, the feelings don’t actually settle and come up until a day or two later. I’m not sure if it’s because i’m shook or becuase i’m tired and I need to let my body rest and recover.

But when the feelings come in,

THEY. ARE. OVERWHELMING.

I feel sadness, confusion, anger, a pit in my stomach, this general fog, and more sadness

my mind keeps playing scenarios over and sounds that I don’t wish to hear again

Most times after these difficult births, I call another birthworker friend or two and talk about it (usually on my drive home). But adrenaline is still rushing and i’m able to get most details out. But the true feelings haven’t settled yet. I talk about it, tell them how things went down, how I witnessed it from my point of view, but i’m kind of guarded. I’m still in a stage where I have to focus, still have to pay attention to the road i’m driving on, still have to make sure i’m in my senses to get home.

It’s the days that come after where things really hit.

Like bricks to the chest.

Being vulnerable is hard, talking about the hard births is hard.

Having my own emotions to process is hard knowing that the family is going through a rough start to their postpartum period.

Honestly there is a sense of selfishness that I feel, and I know it’s not the case. I know I am not being selfish for having my own emotions. I know I fully give myself to the families I work with, to support, comfort and encourage them, and I know thats why the emotions hit me so hard. I know that I have to get these feelings out, for my well being and to be emotionally ready and present to support my next family.

But damn.

This work is beautiful, rewarding, amazing & truly a miracle to witness.

But sometimes it’s just freaking hard.

It’s hard to be witness families at their most vulnerable in the moments that are unknown. In the moments of having to wait for updates and things to happen. I wish we knew all the answers and outcomes to everything. But we don’t. And all we can do is wait.

I wrote this as I sat in an empty labor room. After baby and dad were wheeled to nicu and mom to the OR.

Eerie quite rooms.
You know the ones where both mom and baby are out of.
Where they’ve been separated after being together for months.
The time when everyone is working, all their bodies are moving in unison;
And all you can do is wait, pray & hold space.
Seeing the nurses walk back and forth in the hallway, and just waiting to hear something.
Knowing that no one wanted this, and this isn’t what the golden hour was supposed to look like.
Knowing that sometimes things can go sideways and wishing these moments never happened.
But you sit there, you cry and you pray.
You wait.
Then you finally get a thumbs up, but only from half the team. An update on one side but still in the unknown on the other.
These moments are the worst.

I was so so sad for this family, just knowing things took a big turn. The waiting I think is always the hardest, I kept myself busy, I gathered all their things, loaded them up and then I had absolutely nothing to do but wait.

Birth work isn’t for the faint of heart. And as someone that works in this field, I don’t think we talk about how WE feel during these times. So here is just a glimpse for you.

If you are new to birth work, find yourself a couple trusted birthy friends to talk to. People that will hold space for you, people you trust, people that check in and make sure you’re doing okay. This is so so important. Process your feelings, talk about what is bothering you and why, know that not every birth will be heavy, but if they are, YOU ARE SUPPORTED.

Throughout this I am speaking only in my point of view, because thats all I can do, everyone in these moments have their own thoughts, feelings and experiences. But here is mine.

-Beka